Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
