I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
