i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
