my vag is so smooth its legendary
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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