oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize