My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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