New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
