So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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