Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
