1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
