Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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