I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
