Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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