You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
