I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize