you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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