i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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