YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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