Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
