I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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