Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
