update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
