i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
