Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need water and some morals
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
