I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
