I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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