just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
