I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
