If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
