I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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