...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
