Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
