Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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