she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
