my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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