Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
