the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
