i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
