To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
