Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize