My underwear smells like fireworks.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
