I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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