Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your penis caused this!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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