white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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