do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
