God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
