just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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