Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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