I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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