i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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