I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize