Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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