it was like his penis was on wheels.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
