Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
