I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize