I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
