Someone shit on the floor
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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